The Role of Self-Compassion in the Healing Process

“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”
― Brene Brown

As someone who has gone through my fair share of emotional and physical pain, I can attest to the power of self-compassion in the healing process. For many years, I believed that the key to healing was pushing through the pain, ignoring my emotions, and soldiering on. However, as I began to practice self-compassion, I realized that this approach was ineffective and harmful to my well-being.

Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with kindness and understanding during times of suffering, just as you would do for a good friend. It involves acknowledging your pain, validating your emotions, and offering yourself words of comfort and support. It does not mean self-pity or self-indulgence but rather a sense of warmth and empathy towards yourself.

Easy, right? Not really - read on.

Six Challenges to Self-Compassion

  1.    Self-criticism: Many people have a strong inner critic that tells them they are 

           not good enough or that they do not deserve compassion. This can make it 

          difficult to be kind and understanding toward oneself.

2.    Fear of appearing weak: There is a cultural belief that being kind to oneself is a sign of weakness. Some people may worry that they will be seen as soft or lazy if they are self-compassionate.

3.    Lack of practice: Self-compassion is a skill that needs to be practiced regularly. If someone has not been practicing self-compassion, starting and maintaining the habit can be difficult.

4.    Negative self-beliefs: If someone has negative self-beliefs, it can be challenging to shift their perspective and see themselves in a positive light. This can make it difficult to be kind and compassionate towards oneself.

5.    Fear of vulnerability: Self-compassion requires vulnerability and openness to acknowledge one's own pain and suffering. Some people may find this uncomfortable or challenging.

6.    Emotional blocks: Trauma, grief, depression, and anxiety can create emotional blocks that prevent people from feeling and expressing self-compassion.

Do any of these sound/feel familiar to you? Perhaps I should confess - these various challenges, and possibly others, contributed to my failure to recognize the importance of practicing self-compassion.

So, How Do I Begin My Self-Care?

I had heard positive affirmations have worked well for people, so I did a little research and chose a few to remind me I was a person of worth. I had them taped to my bathroom mirror as a quote on my laptop and phone’s wallpaper; I even had them printed on bookmarks I used for books I was reading. I was hopeful that I would begin to feel worthy by repeating them.

But while these work well for many, they did not work well for me. My trauma would not allow those self-healing words into my brain and heart for some reason. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least give it a try to see if it might work for you.

What Did Work? 

This may sound too simplistic to you, but taking myself for long walks in beautiful places by myself. My favorite park up the road offers a great, level trail with beautiful trees and shrubs along the pathway. When I am there, my heart relaxes, judgments about myself fade, and I am in a much better place at the end of my walk than when I started.

I also have found two books that have provided a huge insight into how I was NOT giving myself compassion and how to begin the process of having as much compassion and empathy for myself as I would for a friend. They are:

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff

I have favorite chapters and passages that I read over and over, just to continue to practice and remind myself I am okay.

Therapy

When I gave therapy a try, I was handed a book to read on my first visit. That was not what I expected - I expected I would be able to talk through my trauma, and when that didn’t happen, instead of finding a therapist who would provide talk therapy, I dropped the whole idea of giving it another try. So for years - decades even - I lived with all those judgments about myself that others had put upon me. After reading the books above, I began letting go of those judgments and loving and celebrating myself for the woman I am.

Conclusion

I am nowhere near complete in my journey of self-compassion; I don’t think I ever will be. I trip up and allow those negative thoughts and feelings to creep in. It is a journey that I will need to practice for the rest of my life. It is a powerful tool in the process of healing emotional and physical pain. By treating yourself with kindness and understanding, you can reduce the intensity of your suffering, build resilience and self-confidence, and cultivate a greater sense of well-being. So, the next time you are going through a tough time, remember to be kind to yourself and offer yourself the same compassion and empathy you would offer a good friend.

I would love to hear about your self-compassion practices. There is so much to gain from each other's experiences, so please feel free to share yours in the comments below.

Thank you for reading to the end,

Kathy