From a Survivor: 10 Things to Know About Abuse

“Abuse and respect are diametric opposites: You do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Abuse is a serious issue that affects millions of people worldwide. It can take many forms, including physical, emotional, sexual, and financial. It can happen to anyone, regardless of age, gender, race, or socioeconomic status.

I know because it happened to me. 

I had been sexually molested at eleven, which set me on a path where my life’s choices always put me with abusive partners. My last partner came into my life after I had educated myself on various types of abuse and had acted as an advocate. He was the most violent of them all and tried to kill me three times. 

So, why did I continue to be in relationships that abused and controlled me after I understood the warning signs? Those of us who have been abused and find ourselves right back in an abusive relationship may have:

• low self-esteem, 

• feelings of worthlessness, 

• a belief that they deserve to be treated poorly, 

• a lack of healthy relationship skills or knowledge, 

• a tendency to repeat patterns of behavior they have learned in childhood.

• unconsciously attracted to the familiar, even if it is a harmful relationship 

All the above were my reasons. Even now, after years of being in a gentle, loving relationship, I have those beliefs of being unworthy and low self-esteem and believe I deserve the worst. What does it take to heal, to love me? I will let you know when I find out.

Learn about the top 10 things to recognize about abuse, regardless of whether you have experienced domestic violence, sexual or financial abuse, or have no prior knowledge of abuse.

1. Controlling behavior, including micromanaging or monitoring their partner's every move

2. Jealousy and possessiveness, including accusations of infidelity

3. Quick involvement in the relationship, moving too fast

4. Insulting, belittling, or humiliating their partner in front of others

5. Isolation, trying to cut their partner off from friends, family, or other sources of support

6. Explosive anger or a history of physical violence

7. Threats of violence, self-harm, or suicide as a way to manipulate their partner

8. Blames their partner for their behavior or problems

9. Use of coercion or manipulation to get their way

10. Making their partner feel guilty or ashamed for normal emotions or behavior.

Each of us has a responsibility to recognize the signs and know what to do to help our family member, friend, or co-worker. The more we educate ourselves as a society, the more we can reduce the pain of domestic violence/sexual abuse.

Resources

1. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

2. National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)

3. RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-4673

4. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: 1-303-839-1852

5. Loveisrespect: 1-866-331-9474

6. The National Resource Center on Domestic Violence: 1-800-537-2238

7. The Family Violence Prevention & Services: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

8. Helping Survivors

If you are a survivor, would you consider sharing how you are healing yourself in the comments below?

Thank you for reading!

Kathy